She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
