I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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