They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
