so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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