Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need to sanitize my soul.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
