Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
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You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
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Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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