I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
