we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
