Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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