just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
