while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My dick has a subreddit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
