I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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