Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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