I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
