Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
