Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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