im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
