This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
