I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
