walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
