I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
