got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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