Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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