I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize