so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
