I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
