Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
