You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
