Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
