Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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