i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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