Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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