Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
