So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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