Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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