Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
