Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.