Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
