p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The beer is more important than you right now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
