Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
