Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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