Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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