The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
