Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
