I faked an abortion last night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
