Dude my mom stole all your condoms
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
