he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
