so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
