Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
