Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
