when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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