can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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