i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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