Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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