I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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