Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
