We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
