I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
