btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
