you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
