Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
