i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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